Parenting Archives - Mama in Colour

An Ode On Father’s Day

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // June 20, 2020

I was a single mother for over three years when I met Sean. In the time since my divorce I had dated, and even one or two of those relationships had been serious, but above any relationship I would have with someone was the relationship that I had with my child. Any time I would feel like things were getting serious with someone, I just would have this nagging feeling that I didn’t know how they would really fit into the life Nate and I had cultivated together. I didn’t introduce Nate to just anyone and even of those couple that met him, only one met him as someone I was dating. I was always very upfront about how my child would come first and if someone didn’t like that, they could bounce. Also if they DID meet my child and I didn’t feel good about the vibes, then I wouldn’t be able to continue moving forward.

Sean was the only person who not only didn’t seem offended by that but seemed to deeply respect me for it. The more that we talked, I found out that he grew up with a stepfather that he had a very contentious relationship with, and he vowed to himself if he was ever in a similar situation that he would do things differently. He took that situation just as seriously as I did and while there were many things that softened my heart to him, that was the main thing that really made me go all in.

Sean met Nate when Nate was six years old. I still remember that meeting so distinctly. They played Legos together and something told me that this relationship, with this particular human, would be good for not just me but for Nate too. My aunt who raised me had just recently passed away, and she and Nate were so close. Nate was having a hard time with her death and Sean’s gentle way with him had him smiling and laughing in a way that he hadn’t in weeks.

Sean always did it just right; he was kind and friendly to Nate and genuinely interested in him, but he didn’t press or push in a way that was phony or off-putting. We were in a long-distance relationship with Sean living in Austin and Nate and I in Charlotte for the first nearly two years we dated. Whenever he would come visit, seeing both of them light up when they were together was a beautiful thing. Sean would take the time to write Nate letters and send them to him, letters that Nate still had to this day because he treasures them. When the time that Sean knew he wanted to ask me to marry him because we had discussed that being our next step, he made sure to call Nate and talk to him about it and make sure it was good with him. Nate was over the moon and it was more than good with him.

Nate is now turning fourteen in a little over a month. Sean has been in his life for over half of it and he says he doesn’t really remember a life without him in it. Their bond has only grown stronger and closer as Nate has gotten older. I know a lot of the self-assurance and confidence that Nate has in himself as a person is due to the love and guidance and caring that he has experienced from Sean over the years. Nate has said that Sean is the standard for the kind of person, the kind of man, that he wants to become.

Before I gave birth to Ezra and Micah and we were having fertility issues and I miscarried several times, people would make tactless comments about Sean ‘becoming’ a father and he would always adamantly tell people he was already a father and he would be regardless if we had any more children or not.

We were given the gift of having two more sweet, wild, beautiful children, and it has been one of my greatest joys to watch Sean parent from the beginning of a child’s life. The same patience and light that he always has poured into Nate is now also poured into Ezra and Micah. He is simply someone who was born for fatherhood in every way; when it’s hard, when it’s funny, when it’s sad, when it’s joy.

The universe knew what it was doing when it allowed my heart to see all of the possibilities when I saw a tiny shy six year old and a sweet and patient man play with Legos. My life was never the same after that in the most exquisite way. There isn’t a day that I am not grateful for the human Sean is, but the thing that I am the most proud of him for is the father that he is.

Nate The Great

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // June 4, 2020

My oldest son Nate is one of the great loves of my life. He and I have been through so much together; his father and I divorcing when he was three, the sudden death of my aunt who raised me (who we lived with) when he was six, and a lot of the time it being just the two of us. There are so many happy memories too, like Sean joining our tiny family and then the birth of his brothers, whom he adores.

There is one moment that truly stands out as a pivotal moment in our relationship that took place almost a year ago on June 30, 2019.

Earlier in the day, it was when Lil Nas X came out. It was the last day of Pride and everyone was talking about it. I remember that evening casually mentioning it to Nate because like Sean and I, he is a big fan, so it was something to discuss. He seemed to think that it was really cool, but we didn't really discuss it much further.

at 11:59 PM that night, after I thought Nate was long asleep, I got a text from him.

I will not share the exact details of the text, but it was a text telling me that he is gay and he was telling me via text because he felt nervous. We are an extremely LGBTQ affirming and supporting household, so you can feel the magnitude and weight he must have been feeling to feel nervous about telling us about it. Think about all of the kids out there grappling with their sexuality who know they don't have a supportive family, and just imagine how they would feel.

My heart started beating faster and I remember just saying Sean's name several times and handing him my phone. We both looked at each other with wide eyes, and I said that I knew I needed to go upstairs to talk to him. Sean was so rattled that for a second he honestly forgot Nate was even at home. When I say he was rattled, it wasn't out of upset or fear, we just hadn't seen this coming right now.

I went upstairs, and I think Nate knew that I would be coming up. Immediately I gave him a hug and told him thank you for trusting me, with trusting us, with such a big part of his story. That we loved him, we support him, and we are here for him. I didn't say much because I didn't want to overwhelm him, so I left him with another hug and I went downstairs.

As soon as I got downstairs, I started sobbing. Not because I was sad. Not because I was mourning some sort of heterosexual ideal I had for my child. I was sobbing because my twelve year old was the bravest person I knew, because my twelve year old was nervous but ultimately knew that he lived in a home that would love him and affirm him. Because my twelve year old would be able to feel a sort of love and freedom for who he is that isn't always afforded to LGBTQ teens.

So now here we are a year later. I can honestly say that watching Nate blossom and see his confidence soar has been one of the most beautiful things of my life. In hindsight, I didn't realize how the weight of holding that to himself truly was weighing on him. Ever since that night, since that text, I can see a light and a joy in my child that wasn't there. As a mother, that is all I could possibly want.

It feels important to share this story now, to share that I am a black mother of not only a black teenage boy, but a black gay teenage boy. I spoke with him about sharing this, and he gave his permission because I would not dream of sharing a word of this without his permission. As we are starting this month of Pride and one that has been so heart-breaking in so many ways, I want to share this story because I know there very well are other black mothers out there who are raising these exceptional black gay kids, who have so much fear in their hearts over the world accepting them.

I want to show an example of a black mother of a black gay teen who is affirming their child, who is loving their child, who is accepting their child. I know the future will be hard and I know there will be obstacles and there were be people who don't understand. We will not only be fighting white supremacy but also homophobia as well.

I don't have all the answers, but what I do know is that my Nate is many things; he is smart, he is witty, he is kind, he is loving, he is amazing. He is also black and he is also gay. All of those things make the puzzle that he is and regardless of the future, we have his back and we are in his corner. His beautiful spirit is unmatched and I couldn't be more proud of him.

We need to hear these stories, these stories of black families celebrating and embracing their LGBTQ children. Their lives are worthy, their lives matter, their lives are important.

What It Means to be a Black Mama

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // June 2, 2020

It is the day before my middle child Ezra's birthday. He will be three years old.

I spent part of my evening sobbing in a Target parking lot while I ran out to get batteries.

I wasn't crying because my child is growing up and I want to keep him little. I wasn't crying because I was thinking back to his birth, to how hard we fought to get him here after miscarriages and unexplained secondary infertility. I wasn't even crying because I was feeling the exhaustion of trying to make sure he has a special birthday in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Out of our three kids, Ezra is for sure the most extroverted, the most brash, the most loud, the most extra. While his brothers are quieter and more reserved, he has no boundaries and he is convinced everyone is his friend ready to watch him perform and entertain them.

He is the child that we worry about the most.

Naturally Sean and I worry about all of our children but we know his wild spirit is something that can't and won't be tamed and as he gets older he is going to become even more of a hurricane with his personality. He is destined to be a star in some way.

I was crying because I am heart-broken at thinking that all of that light could be easily snuffed out simply because one day he won't merely be a cute extroverted kid. He will grow up to be a black adult, the melanin in his skin darkening as he ages like his older brothers did, and all of the joy and pain that comes from being black. The joy and the pain that always go hand in hand because they always co-exist.

I was thinking about how once Ezra and Nate and Micah are adults, and naturally they will have their own lives and will be living their lives still connected but likely separate from us. How I will live in fear of a phone call saying they didn't make it through an encounter with the police. How I have nightmares at night seeing the faces and bodies of my beautiful sweet children grown up, being held down at the neck by a cops knee, being shot with a cops gun, as they cry out for me as George Floyd cried out for his mother. How I wake up sweat drenched and near tears, only to see the small bodies of my toddlers curled up next to me, safe another day, knowing my teenager has his lanky body snuggled up in his bed, safe another day. I sigh with relief that there is another day, one more day, just one more day, where they are safe and with me.

I was crying thinking about how I should just be celebrating but I was sitting in my car feeling like my heart was breaking with fear and anger and pain.

I cried it out. I got myself together. I went in Target, got the batteries, and went home to my smiling, happy kids and my wonderful husband who were glad to see me. I let their joy envelop me like the gift that it was.

This is what it means to be a black mama, of black children. It is constantly having the fear nipping at your heels while you try to chase the joy.

Raising Toddlers: Having Grace With Us All

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // January 2, 2020

Raising a toddler can often be a wild ride but raising two at the same time? It’s double the love but also often double the chaos. I’m super open about the fact that we really didn’t plan on having another child after Ezra; we tried so hard and for so long to get him that it seemed inconceivable to go through all of that for another child. To our surprise, I got pregnant with who would end up being Micah Jude when Ezra was only six months old! We were pretty shocked and scared at first but we decided we were up for the ride. Now we can’t imagine MJP not a part of our little family, but that doesn’t mean sometimes managing a super spirited 2 1/2 year old and a more mellow but still hype 16 month old isn’t challenging at times. Here are just a few things that we do personally to help us get in the game.

Lead by example

We don’t really love saying that we parent with a certain ‘style’ but ours is closest to gentle or attachment parenting. In different ways both Sean and I grew up in homes where we witnessed physical violence, which also included physical punishment. We both thankfully were and are firmly on the same page about not spanking our kids. Why? To be honest it just doesn’t make sense to us that hitting someone for any reason if they act out of turn is going to teach our kids right from wrong. I know when I was younger I didn’t understand why it would be okay for an adult to hit me if I made a mistake, yet it wouldn’t be okay for me to do the same. Sean has expressed it honestly made him feel distrustful and fearful. Those just aren’t things we want our children to feel. We also choose do our absolute best to not yell at our kids. Are we not perfect and sometimes we raise our voices? Absolutely. When that does happen, though, we make a point to talk to our kids about it and why yelling isn’t a good idea. We are the adults so it is up to us to keep our cool as best we possibly can and show them that we are imperfect people but we can learn and grow.

We feel a huge responsibility about raising three boys and what kind of energy we want them to put into the world when they are adults. With toxic masculinity and misogyny being such an issue, we want to show our boys that we can talk things out, that respect and doing the right thing can be learned without pain or yelling or aggression.

Understand that they are still learning how to be people

I cannot stress this enough; as hard as it is to remember sometimes, small children do not spring from the womb knowing exactly what to do, how to act right, and having perfect impulse control. I am almost 40 and I don’t get that stuff right sometimes! Toddlers really have so much going on in their brains developmentally. It is a constant whirlwind of sensory explosions. They are learning autonomy, learning what it is like to try to do things themselves, to test limits and boundaries. And y’all, it can be frustrating. So unbelievably frustrating. There will be times when I tell Ezra the exact same thing over and over again and he just keeps doing it because he is 2 1/2 and he’s trying to test the waters. That doesn’t mean you have to let them just do whatever they want, but it also means we have to have patience with them with the learning. Even if it means repeating the same thing over and over again, so much that you hear it in your sleep. And I am speaking from experience on that one.

Remember to give yourselves breaks

I am really looking at my maternal caregivers when I say this because we are the worst about this. Do not feel guilty about needing a break, beloved. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your children. It doesn’t mean that you are incapable of handling things. It means that you are gloriously human and everyone needs a moment to breathe. Sometimes it isn’t possible to actually get out of the house or just stop what you’re doing and get away. I completely understand that; honestly a lot of the time my ‘breaks’ look like Sean taking the littles upstairs for an hour or two of play time in the evenings when he comes home so I can chill. I know that I need to carve out some time to not be touched, to not be needed, to just be with my own thoughts and have my body to myself. Allowing myself that time with no shame or guilt honestly makes me personally the best mother I can be to my children. It serves no one to keep going and going and going until you break down. Your kids need a parent who is feeling whole, not one who is a martyr.

Don’t forget to enjoy the good moments

I won’t even lie; sometimes when I am having a difficult day with the littles, I’ll totally get really down and forget that for every hard moment we have so many that are just SO GOOD. Like in the mornings when they smile at me like they are thrilled to see me. When I watch them really play together. When I watch them give each other hugs and kisses. When we go out and run errands and they are both cheerful and in great moods. When the bleak stuff happens and the days are messy, I do my best to also remember that they truly will pass and that we will have some of those beautiful moments as well. Sometimes the days work out that both of them will be crying over some sort of affront I can’t figure out because their communication can be spotty at times, but then five minutes later they are climbing in my lap and giving me kisses, all smiles. Toddlers simply aren’t rational people, y’all, but see number two.

There is so much more I could say, but I feel like those are the main points. When it boils down to it, the days are often long and hard but have such joy to them as well. I truly feel as though the hard and the joy almost have to run tandem together. That’s how everything in life is; messy and beautiful all at the same time, so of course raising babies close in age is going to be like that. Watching them become tiny best friends and learn how to be people together is such a magical experience that I am so grateful for, but it’s okay for me (and you too!) to admit that there is havoc among the loveliness. It all comes back to having grace; with them and with ourselves.

Beyond a Bubble Bath: Rethinking Self-Care

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // August 14, 2019

There is a lot of talk these days about self-care, especially if you are a parent, most especially if you are a stay at home one. Generally when I see articles and discussion about it, there is a lot of talk about getting your nails done, about grabbing a coffee, about kicking back with a bubble bath.

Those things are amazing, but that isn’t the kind of self-care this blog is going to be about.

It might be less glamorous and less fun to talk about, but I think some light needs to be brought on legitimate caring for your body, your mind, and your spirit when we talk about self-care.

There are so many fundamental things that a stay at home parent sometimes just lets slip through the cracks. Like have you drank any water today? Have you eaten anything? It is so easy to get caught up in the business of taking care of your children (trust me, I do it too!) that seemingly regular old things just don’t happen, or happen as an afterthought. I know on the days where I actually drink enough water and take the time to eat some food, I feel more clear and ready to take on my day. Also taking any kind of daily medications that you need, taking your vitamins, things of that nature.

It can go even deeper than that, though. Self-care can also be related to your mental health and being able to take charge of that. Like looking into seeing a therapist (I firmly believe that everyone can benefit from therapy at some point in their life) or possibly taking medication to help with your moods (that will be another blog but I am not going to be that person that is going to shame or wag my finger at taking medication for mental illness; Lexapro is one of the reasons I am still alive). Being proactive about your mental health is one of the most caring things that you can do for yourself.

Self-care can also come in the form of who you choose to let in your life and who you choose to say goodbye to. That can be anything from a relationship that isn’t working anymore to a friendship that needs to be re-evaluated. Not everyone is always meant to keep on your path with you. It is not easy to walk away from people but if your well-being is at stake? The absolute best thing that you can do for yourself is to dissolve it.

As someone that is a parent, those are the real fundamental lessons about self-care that I want to teach my children. A bubble bath is pretty great and IS a legit form of self-care, but we also sometimes need to dig a little deeper and look beyond the tangible things. We can enjoy those rad bath bombs and glossy nails even more with a clear mind, a clear heart, and a full belly.

P.S. Get yourself some water if you have read this far; hydration is key! And I care about you; yes, you. <3

My State Of The Union

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // August 6, 2019

The last few days in the United States have been especially grim. On August 3, there was a horrible shooting in El Paso, Texas at a busy Walmart. Just thirteen hours later there was another one in Dayton, Ohio in an area bustling with nightlife. Like so many other people, I feel heartbroken and just really out of sorts. Admittedly yesterday was an especially hard day for me. I am always very open about my struggles with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I manage with a lot of deep breathing and daily Lexapro, but I found myself in a panic about leaving my home. The thought of even doing something mundane like going to Walmart or Target, or even just going to pick up a coffee at the Starbucks drive-thru had me paralyzed with fear. I tend to go to Starbucks sometimes with the littles and get a coffee, and then park for a little bit so I can get some work done; answer some e-mails and take care of administrative stuff.

I couldn't make myself leave, though. I wasn't able to get myself dressed, get the kids dressed, and leave the sanctuary of my home. The fear just kept rising and rising in my throat until I felt like it was choking me. I texted Sean about how I was feeling. He made the reasonable suggestion that maybe I should bring the kids by his office; he thankfully works somewhere that it would be okay. My mind started to spin. He is an accountant for a property management company. Honestly, I worry enough about him on a regular day; angry people come to his job all the time and I always think about if the wrong person would come along with a weapon. The thought of not only my husband but my two youngest children being in a potentially unsafe situation was just too much.

That is where I was at. That is where we are at in this country. I am afraid for my husband to go to work. I am afraid to take my children places where I would normally take them. I am afraid of being a target. I am afraid of having to martyr myself for my children and them having to live the rest of their lives with that knowledge on their back.

I'm sure a lot of people think this is me being hyperbolic, me being overly cautious, me just thinking way too much.

Tell that to the children of Jordan and Andre Anchondo, who were brutally murdered in El Paso. Jordan, trying to protecting their two month old baby. Andre, trying to protect Jordan. A mother and a father who created a human shield and whos baby will live knowing that their parents loved him so much that they gave their lives for him, but will not grow up with their loving embrace and the sound of their voices. Neither will his two sisters.

It shouldn't be this way. We shouldn't have to live this way.

As a black woman, with a black husband, and black children, I already feel a great deal of stress and strain. If I am brutally honest with myself, my world hasn't been the same since Trayvon Martin was murdered and his murderer got away with it. I am painfully aware of the fact that there are many people in this country (and all over the world; racism isn't just an American problem) that know nothing about my family other than the fact that our skin is not white and would rather see us dead than alive. I have lived with the specter of racism my whole life, but the times that we are in now that are enabled by the highest office in the country, are especially scary. Especially as a mother. I look at my three sweet children and I fear for the path that they will have to walk.

I write this for several reasons. The first of all is that if you are scared, if you are feeling panic and sadness and worry, you are not alone. Do the best you can to be gentle with yourself and give yourself whatever time you need to breathe as easy as possible. It is okay to not be okay. Today was a better day for me. I took the littles to get some gas in the car and I did my Starbucks 'office hours' for a little bit. I still felt a lot of trepidation, but I did the thing. If you are struggling, you can do the thing too. The only way through these things are going to be together.

Secondly, take racism and white supremacy seriously. If you are someone that enjoys reading my words, that likes hearing about my family and seeing photos of us, please take what is going on to heart. Stricter gun laws and gun control are absolutely needed. No one is going to convince me that civilians need assault rifles. As well, though, look at the cause of the shooting in El Paso. There is a long history of bigotry and racism in our country; we can't make racists afraid 'again' because they have never been afraid. We need to make them afraid NOW.

Look at your privilege. Get out and vote for legislators that will bring change. Don't stand by and just watch racism and xenophobia.

If we want to be better than this, we have to actually BE better than this.

It is time to actually make this country into what it should be.

Happy Birthday, Nate!

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // July 22, 2019

Today is such a special day; my oldest son Nate is turning thirteen. It is so wild to me because I cannot believe that thirteen years have gone by so quickly. I know every parent says the years go by fast but it literally feels like it was just yesterday that I gave birth to him and now he is quickly about to surpass me in height and already has bigger hands and feet than I do. We joke that his voice is deeper than Sean’s, but it’s really true.

I feel like twelve going into thirteen was the biggest year of transition. Nate’s sweet personality, sense of humor, and generous spirit have remained the same, but I feel like I can truly see the kind of adult that he is going to become. He has become even more self-assured and he owns so much of who he is and what he is about. I wish that I had the strength and sense of self that he does when I was his age. It has been a year of learning, growing, and realizations that have made him blossom. He has more courage inside of him that he realizes and I take pride in his trust and openness with me.

I know a lot of people wish their kids would remain small forever, but I truly don’t. Watching Nate become a teenager is one of the greatest gifts and I love what our relationship has evolved into. We talk, we laugh, we can dig deep. We are so much alike and have the same silly, sometimes dark sense of humor. Watching him grow up into this interesting and incredible person is a gift. I don’t long for his babyhood because this season of our lives is so rich and so good.

I will forever be grateful to be his mother, and I am more proud of him than I can say in a blog post. The thirteen years he has been alive have been the best years of my life. He profoundly and deeply changed me as a person and made me believe that soulmates are real and not just a romantic thing. We are so connected to each other and it’s a gift I will never take for granted.

He will be reading this (I always get consent and permission first), so I love you so much, Nathaniel Maddox. I am so glad you were born and I am so in love with being your mom.

Q & A With Erica + Sean

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // June 8, 2019

This has been a blog that I have been working on in my head for a really long time now and because this June marks seven years of Sean and I knowing each other (!!!), I figured that it would be a great time to finally get it all down.

I often get asked a lot of questions about our partnership and our marriage. I don't think this is because we are doing marriage better than anyone else, but I think people can feel the contentment that we have with one another. It isn't a front for the Internet; we actually really truly do like each other! I think that is an important distinction to make and once we dive deeper into this blog I think you will see why.

For folks that don't know the background into our story, let me start with that:

In 2012 a close offline friend of mine asked me to join a Facebook group that was geared towards "weird" black folks. She thought that I would enjoy connecting with some fellow black nerds. It wasn't a dating group and I absolutely wasn't looking for anything like that in my life anyhow.

Cue me joining the group and taking notice of this super cute guy who posted a lot and seemed really cool. Once again...I was totally not looking to date. I'd semi-recently gotten out of a 'situationship' and plus I was a single mom of a soon to be six year old (Nate of course!). My head space just wasn't there on that front, but something about him just kept making me notice him.

I soon found out that he was a musician who lived in Austin, Texas, and right then and there I fully admit that I generalized a little bit and assumed he must be a huge jerk who was running game on every woman in Austin.

I also soon found out that he was the polar opposite of that kind of guy, and that he was feeling drawn to me as well. We started texting in late June and talked on the phone for the first time on July 4th. I was still thinking this was super wild, but I also was feeling really happy and he was so friendly and easy to talk to. I came to look forward to his texts every day and worried that they would stop.

August rolled around and my life turned upside down. My aunt who raised me suddenly died from uterine cancer; we didn't even know she was sick until 48 hours before she died. I had to call an ambulance to our home (Nate and I had been living with her since my divorce from his dad) not knowing what was happening. The first person I called crying was Sean.

She died on August 17th, 2012. Several days later, Sean asked me if it would be okay to come visit. He knew how it sounded, that he was trying to take advantage of my grief, but he just felt a need to be here with me and sit with me in it.

I said yes, and to be honest the rest was history. From the moment he stepped off the plane and I saw him I knew he was my person.

It was a long couple of years to get to where we were at; we bridged the 1200 mile gap between us as often as we could. I'm not going to pretend like it was easy or wasn't often with tears and loneliness on both of our parts. On July 21st, 2014 Sean officially moved to Charlotte for good. We got married on December 6th, 2014.

We have been through a LOT in the last seven years; his move, our wedding, my miscarrying 20 days after our wedding, another miscarriage the next July, moving into a different home, job drama, and adding four cats and two babies to the mix.

Ultimately there is no one else I would rather have as my partner and best friend. Making the choice to do life with him every day, to raise our children, to love one another honestly and completely, is the best choice I could ever make.

Now that you all know a little about how we met, lets get into some of the questions! I crowd sourced a little bit along with taking into consideration the questions that I am generally asked and I compiled twelve of them that are kind of the 'most frequently' asked. I am going to give my answer, as well as Sean's so you have both perspectives. If you have anything else you would like to ask, feel free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail! <3

Have people been judgmental about you meeting on Facebook?

Erica: Not really! I won't lie, in the beginning I used to feel kind of weird mentioning it, but now in 2019 I don't at all. Folks are meeting people on dating apps and stuff all the time, so Facebook isn't too out of the ordinary I figure. Sometimes people look surprised, but that is about it. Also we ended up having mutual friends, so I for sure did my homework on him. 😉

Sean: No, mainly for two reasons; one is that is it a lot more common than it used to be at the time. And in my own personal experience I had already met so many other people like friends, band mates, business associates on Facebook that in retrospect it was inevitable that I would meet the love of my life on the Internet.

What was the first, "If you're going to be with me you should know..." that you shared with each other?

Erica: For sure it was letting him know that if Nate didn't jibe with him, no matter how I felt about him we weren't going to be able to let this rock. I absolutely refused to put a relationship above my son and I would never have even casually dated someone that he didn't like or get along with. When Sean first came to Charlotte, I made the decision to let Nate meet him just to see how it was and even then he met Sean as a friend and not my boyfriend; we did not get affectionate in front of him. It was an immediate connection on both of their ends, which made the decision to pursue a relationship with Sean such a natural decision. To this day, Nate absolutely loves Sean and sees him as his second father.

Sean: Aside from my identity as a musician, there was no essential fact about me that I needed her to know and accept as a non-negotiable thing. What I most wanted Erica to know was that I am a real person and a loving person and that I was looking for the same.

Is there anything that the other person does that is super minuscule but huge to you that lets you know they love you?

Erica: I love how no matter what he texts me when he gets to work and texts me when he is on his way home. With the way my anxiety is set up, I tend to go into weird doomsday places if I don't know hes gotten to work okay or if he has left to come home. I love how he doesn't try to make me feel like something is wrong with me because of those things, he does them because he know it is important to me.

Sean: She lets me rant and rave about Guided by Voices without making me feel like a big dork! Everyone has a thing that makes them feel really excited, and I know in so many relationships that one person frowns on the other person's interest and is very vocal and public about their disinterest. It matters when you care enough about the other person's interests enough to be excited with them. It doesn't mean you have to go as hard as they do, but you enjoy it by proxy because they do and you love them.

Any tips on keeping the magic alive after kids?

Erica: It might sound silly to some, but we always stay connected. Like we will post funny memes on each other’s Facebook wall or text inside jokes. I love that we can laugh together and I find that super sexy. I think sometimes people get caught up in sparks having to be overtly romantic or sexual but if you are connecting with each other and always staying in communication? For me that totally makes the sparks happen for sure. It especially helps when you really don’t have a lot of time because life is busy and you have kids. Just send a funny or sweet text. Share a funny meme. Don’t worry about what romance ‘should’ look like. It might not even look like this for you! Just do what works for you and your spouse.

Sean: We never really ever stop talking to each other. A lot of the things that we did at the beginning of our relationship we still do now. The methods and timing may be different because we have kids now so it’s get it in where we can fit it in. We kept doing it so the spark never got lost because someone is always fanning the flame.

How does Sean help you cope with postpartum anxiety?

Erica: As someone who already had Generalized Anxiety Disorder before I experienced PPA, I feel as though he already was good at noticing my cues for when I was feeling really out of sorts. PPA though really threw me for a whole loop, and everything was magnified so much. It helped to know that there was something that I could be honest about what was happening in my mind, and would not shun me but encourage me and stand by my side. I truly don't know if I would still be here if it wasn't for how he was there for me during those dark days.

Sean: Some of it is just listening and recognizing that as hard and frequently irrational as anxiety seems, it’s always rooted in something. You have to be understanding of that. You have to acknowledge what could go wrong and what also is going right. And also just being around and being gentle, keeping her engaged when she wants to be engaged, and giving her space when she needs it.

Do you ever disagree on stuff? How do you handle it?

Erica: It sounds strange and probably like a load of crap, but we don’t actually disagree often. That isn’t to say that we think the exact same or do things the same way, but we both give each other the grace to be understanding if we don’t agree. Neither of us are folks that are into confrontation for confrontations sake, but at the same time neither of us are afraid of it. We just talk stuff out.

Sean: I’m sure we do disagree on stuff, but it tends to be minor stuff that Erica ends up being right about anyway, so I just go with it.

How do you have me time?

Erica: I make a point to ask for it and carve it out. We loosely have a schedule for each evening on who is working on their projects and when it is time for family and we don’t focus on whatever we are both working on. I am someone who very much needs alone time to recharge and I don’t feel guilty about asking for it. I also think it helps because Sean is truly an equal in parenting. He doesn’t ‘baby sit’ the kids and I don’t need nor want to micromanage him as a parent. He is just as capable as I am. Except when it comes to breastfeeding! 😛

Sean: It takes lots of scheduling and compromise. Let’s face it; if you are in a household where you are equally parenting three kids and two of them are babies, it’s virtually impossible for it to happen organically. A lot of the time when I do have me time, I almost immediately want to return to the family anyway.

Where do your parenting styles diverge and how do you approach negotiating that?

Erica: I feel as though our parenting styles are very similar and there aren’t any differences that are glaringly apparent. I think ironically enough Sean is a bit more cautious of a parent than I am but that isn’t really a huge difference. The fundamental values about how we want to raise the kids at the same so if there was a difference about say...when we wanted to sign one up for a lesson or what time to go to bed, we would discuss it and work together to come up with a solution that is best for the kids.

Sean: They don’t really diverge because we have the same kind of goals about how we want to raise our children and what kind of people we hope for them to be.

What is the easiest part of your relationship? The most difficult?

Erica: I feel like the easiest part is the fact that Sean is genuinely someone that I like and that I respect. I would want to be his friends even if he was not my spouse. The hardest part really isn’t about him or our relationship, it’s just managing all of the outside stress, like job stress or money stress. We really work hard to make sure that we are a team and take on the hard stuff together rather than against each other.

Sean: The easiest part of our relationship is coming back home. Also the most important part, the communication. Because I feel loved and supported in this relationship as my whole true self, then I can express what I think and feel to Erica without reservations and hopefully vice versa. The hardest thing is managing professional and financial stress, though thankfully it isn’t as much now as it has been in prior years.

What advice do you have for other blended families?

Erica: As a single mom when I started dating Sean, I would say really vet whomever you want to introduce as a partner into your child’s life. I know a lot of folks say that kids shouldn’t ‘run your life’ but that isn’t how I choose to look at it. I wouldn’t want anyone in my child’s life that I didn’t feel like would be a good fit or someone that I didn’t feel like would be someone that would be there for the long term. Take as long as you need to figure that out; if they are really worth it, they will stick around for the long haul. Also take things slow when it comes to building relationships between kids and a partner. Sean and Nate really did bond very quickly and naturally but Sean didn’t press it or overstep his bounds when it came to the relationship. I think Nate felt that.

Sean: Always focus on what is best for the children, because as tough as it can be for adults to navigate new and complex situations, it’s even more so for children. Do whatever you can to make the children feel as loved and comfortable as possible, even if it means sacrificing your own ego or your own feelings.

What do you like the best about each other?

Erica: So many people tell me all the time that he is the best man they know, and it really is true. He has a pureness to his spirit that is really lovely and he is so easy to get along with. Everything he does is with caring and concern for the people that he loves. Also he is the best father in the world.

Sean: I like the fact that she is actually loving; she truly does care about people and it isn’t in a Pollyanna way that doesn’t see people’s weaknesses or doesn’t check people when they need to be checked. There is no abuse or martyrdom, there is just genuine care and concern for the people she loves. Her friendships are real and her love is real. She gives the kind of love that she wants to receive and it shows in our marriage, our children, and her friendships. And that she extends that love to herself because I know that has been a process.

When did you know that you wanted to get married?

Erica: It came honestly as a shock to me that I wanted to because I really didn’t want to get married again after my divorce. I wasn’t opposed to a long term relationship but the idea of marriage was scary. I think I realized pretty soon that with Sean I could have the kind of marriage that I really wanted, one built on mutual respect and love. That’s when I let him know what I would be open to the idea (because I had told him originally I didn’t want to, and he respected that though I knew he wanted to)!

Sean: When I first met Nate and I started building a Lego set with him. I knew before then but once that happened I knew that it was possible. It felt like the last puzzle piece was put into place.

Gummy Bear Mom

Filed Under: Life, Parenting // March 21, 2019

I have a confession to make.

I tried really hard for a long time to be a crunchy mom, but I have come to realize that I honestly just kind of suck at it.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things about being crunchy that I do; we babywear, I am breastfeeding a toddler, we bedshare, I even used cloth diapers on my oldest son. We are for sure pretty into gentle parenting as well.

I'm not great with organic food, though, or keeping everything super healthy or grain free or dairy free or all of that. We eat pizza at least one night a week and it is never gluten free crust with only veggies as toppings. We are pepperoni kind of folks. I love babywearing, but honestly my double stroller can make my life with two kids under two a little easier so I can wheel them both around and no one feels like one is getting something the other one isn't. I don't use all natural products. We keep the TV on most of the day, and honestly the littles are into watching Project Runway with me because I don't just leave it on super educational kids shows. We very much are pro-vaccination. We started bedsharing mostly because we like sleep and it was easier with constant breastfeeding. I believe very much in gentle parenting, but I'm not going to pretend I don't raise my voice or sometimes get weary of talking everything to death, especially to my almost two year old who isn't really absorbing the message quite yet about why it isn't kind to smack his dad in the crotch.

All of those things are totally okay and there is nothing wrong with it all, but I'll be real with myself and with all of you; I felt a lot of guilt for a long time that I just couldn't seem to hack it with some of that stuff. In the age of the internet and social media it can feel like you are constantly up against holding yourself to someone elses standards. You'll be part of all the mommy Facebook groups where herd mentality is real and you'll start to question why you aren't like everyone else. Even when you are the sort of person that marches to the beat of your own drum, like me. Those messages can still sink into your skin and before you know it you are wondering if it is okay that your kid ate half a bag of veggie straws for dinner because they wouldn't eat anything else.

Spoiler alert; it's all okay.

Somewhere along the way I made peace with the fact that there are simply things that I am not, that I am not going to be, and I don't have to measure myself to any standards other than the ones that I set for myself. You don't have to be one type of mom or follow some sort of rigid set of rules to be able to do this parenting thing.

That is when I kind of figured out that I am a gummy bear mom.

Sounds funny, right? Hear me out on it, though.

My favorite kind of gummy bears are the ones that are a little bit chewy; they may even hurt your teeth just a tiny bit, but they are yummy anyway. They are just sweet enough and taste vaguely of fruit so they give you a sense that you are eating something healthy-ish, but deep down you know you're ingesting pure sugar and that is plenty okay with you. They are a delicious little paradox.

My parenting style is this; there is no real style. I'm a little of this, and a little of that, and a whole lot of still trying to figure it out after thirteen years in the game. No matter if you have been a parent for a hundred seconds or a hundred years, I feel like we are all just trying to figure it out as best we can. I think getting super caught up in styles and labels doesn't allow for the nuance of what it means to be a parent and the responsibility of ushering these tiny humans towards adulthood.

So next time you are online and you are on Facebook, or Instagram, or whatever social media you follow, and you get yourself caught up in your feelings about how you aren't 'enough' or good at every facet of a particular parenting style? Just think about how you are a gummy bear mom. And how I am right there with you, saluting you as I drink my third cup of coffee of the day and my kids eat peanut butter sandwiches on cheap white bread for lunch.

I am more than enough and so are you.

An Introvert Raising an Extrovert

Filed Under: Parenting // March 11, 2019

Anyone who knows me knows that deep down I am very introverted. I am someone who is reserved at first and it takes me a while to warm up. Once I get there it is all systems go, but the getting there? It takes me a while. I just have always been someone who is incredibly content with being solitary and comfortable with my own company.

My oldest son Nate is very much the same way. He has his core group of friends but he isn’t someone that wants to be the center of attention or wants to be involved in a lot of activities that have other people like sports or anything. I have always respected that and to be honest felt a lot of relief about it. It enabled me to really not have to jump outside of my comfort zone.

And then his younger brother Ezra was born.

Ezra is not quite two and I can already tell that he is the complete opposite of me and raising him is going to be completely different from Nate. He is a person that so completely adores all eyes on him at all times. He has no qualms about smiling and waving at everyone he sees. We had some friends stop by our house tonight and he cried when they went to leave. He often does that when he chatters at people in stores and we all have to move on. His disappointment over having to stop socializing is so evident. He constantly wants and needs some sort of interaction; may it be music, dancing, chasing him around, him chasing YOU around, laughing, yelling, crying; you name it and he needs it.

I will be fully honest; it terrifies me. It makes me anxious. It makes me worry how on earth I will be able to keep this boisterous child’s cup full when I am just someone who cannot relate to the sort of extroverted needs that he has. I can tell he will be someone that is going to want and need to participate in things, to go be social and blow off some of the energy that just crackles from his whole little body. This means I will have to talk more to people, engage more, participate in things.

While that all scares me, I also know that I will rise to the occasion as best I can because I want the best for him. Because I love him and that’s what love looks like sometimes for your children, being uncomfortable and just doing the thing anyway.

At the same time, I also know that it is okay to admit it scares me. It is okay to admit that sometimes I know I’m going to fail. Sometimes I am just going to have to leave some of the things to my husband because my spirit is going to be exhausted and I will not always have the words to say.

I give myself permission to not feel guilty about it. No one really talks about how there are sometimes things as parents that we just can’t always do and how that is truly okay. We do the best we can to meet our children where they are at, but no one wants to admit that sometimes when we are drastically different from our kids that the work can be hard sometimes and admitting it doesn’t mean there is less love there. Admitting it can mean showing your children who you are as a complete person and loving them through it all.

I am always going to try my very best for my kids because they deserve my very best. Opening myself up and being in uncomfortable situations will also be good for me in a lot of ways and I fully know that. Some days when I feel like I can’t possibly talk more to Ezra, I somehow find more to give. Other days, I ask him if we can just sit and snuggle in silence and more often than not these days he obliges.

Because he also loves me and wants to meet me where I’m at too.

And that is more than okay.