Mama in Colour

How Grief and Anger Co-Exist

Filed Under: Life // August 16, 2020

Tomorrow is August 17th.

Eight years ago tomorrow, my aunt who raised me in the place of my parents (my father has never been in my life and my mother, her sister, died when I was nine; they are another story for another time) died. She was 67. I was 30.

Her illness was abrupt and sudden; I had to call an ambulance to our home (my oldest son and I were living with her after my divorce) on the 15th, and she died the morning of the 17th of stage 4 uterine cancer that we didn't even know she had.

I have written about those 48 hours other times in my life in more detail and this blog isn't about those painful days, days that honestly will still haunt me at times when I least expect it. When I am suddenly taken back to having to make the decision to cut care, when there was nothing else to do because the disease and the pain was too great. To when I watched her blood pressure go down to 70/30, and when I held her hand as she slipped from this life into the next.

This actually isn't about any of that.

This is about how angry I am.

I find that one of the things that people don't talk about is how anger and grief dance so closely together. I have been through death before; like I said, my mother died when I was only nine. My grandmother and two of my uncles also died when I was a child. I have friends who have died, I have miscarried several times. None of that, though, prepared me for the anger I feel over my aunts death. The searing rage that I still feel eight years later, that lives side by side with the sadness and the pain.

I'm angry that she had been talking about having pain for a long time, and I begged her to go to the doctor but she wouldn't go.

I'm angry that she lived with that pain for so long and we had no clue what it was.

I'm angry that once she finally agreed to let me take her to the emergency room, just ten days before she died, that the care she got was shameful, and she was horribly fat shamed, age shamed, and taken for a hypochondriac.

I'm angry that I have a husband and two children that she never got to meet, and I have a beautiful teenager that she only saw for six years, that still had pain in his voice when he speaks of her because he was so close to her.

I'm angry that enough years have passed since her death that I do not and cannot romanticize our relationship anymore and there will never be any opportunity to repair some of the cracks and complications and things that were broken.

I'm angry that I'm not even 40, and I have no mother figure in my life to lean on.

I'm angry that she is GONE.

It feels like when someone dies we aren't supposed to talk about those emotions, that somehow it is tainting the memory of someone or it is something that we shouldn't feel. We are often made to think that speaking about the more negative side of death means you aren't coping well or you are just not "doing it right". That your faith isn't strong enough, that you heart isn't strong enough.

Death is not one-dimensional. There are so many emotions that happen, especially when it is sudden. I know in the last eight years I have felt so many different emotions, but my anger has always been the one that frightened me. I think for a long time I was afraid to really talk about my anger about it, but this year I feel it spilling over, to the point of where I either had to let it come forth or I would choke on it.

That is why I decided to write this, to pour those feelings out and not let them consume me. Because anger is natural, it's human, and going to happen; it's only an issue when you let it eat you alive.

This is my note to anyone out there who is experiencing anger with their grief; know that you aren't alone. Know that it is okay. Know that you have to let your feelings come as they flow. They are valid. They are real.

And so on the anniversary of her death tomorrow, I will be thinking about all of those things that make me angry, but I also will be thinking about my love for her, the love that she had for me, and how much she is missed.

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Hello There!

I'm Erica Alayne Padilla (they/them), but you can call me Layne, and Mama in Colour is my space to wax poetic about all the things that I am passionate about. There is always going to be a little fashion, a little parenting, a whole lot of social justice and opinions on various things, about my experience as a non-binary human, and whatever else is on my brain. I am mama to three beautiful and brilliant children and spouse to an amazing man. I'm an ardent lover of coffee, cardigans, and unironically watching basically every show on Bravo. I hope you pull up a chair and decide to stay awhile. <3

xoxo, L

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LP ✨
Part of my journey with my body is to jump out of Part of my journey with my body is to jump out of my comfort zone. Even when it feels silly or uncomfortable; maybe even ESPECIALLY when it feels that way. For me it’s about getting out of my head about the size of my body and just living my life freely and unabashedly. I turned 40 a few months ago and I spent too much of my first 40 years letting ideas about my body hold me back and I don’t want to spend the next 40 years in that mindset. So it’s all about having fun, being silly, dancing when I feel like it, and covering my body with things that make me feel good. ⁣
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Thank you to @thirdlove for #gifting me their iconic 24/7 Classic T Shirt Bra because it certainly makes me feel that way! It features their signature memory foam cups which form to your unique shape, so you get a comfortable and smooth fit. I am super picky about bras (y’all know I am primarily a bralette type of person) and the comfort and style of this one can’t be beat and is for sure going in my bra rotation. 💜⁣
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#ThirdLovePartner #MyThirdLove
Today marks ten years since Trayvon Martin was mur Today marks ten years since Trayvon Martin was murdered. Ten years in which a 17 year old kid would have grown into a now 27 year old adult. ⁣
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Sometimes the question of what ‘radicalized’ you comes up, and I can say absolutely with my whole heart his death and the aftermath of that is what changed me. It’s what compelled me to never be silent, to keep fighting, to not be complacent. A lifetime of masking my feelings and pain when it came to racism and injustice opened up inside of me and I was to never be the same. ⁣
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And frankly? I don’t WANT to be the same. ⁣
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I look back at the last ten years, and I see how little we have truly learned and changed on the whole, and it angers me but I also take that anger to keep up the fight. To keep speaking out, no matter how many people try to silence me, hop in my DMs thinking they are hurting me, no matter how scared I feel. ⁣
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I do it for and because of Trayvon. ⁣
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A child who’s name I should never have known. ⁣
Main Character Energy. ⚡️✨⁣ ⁣ #mainchara Main Character Energy. ⚡️✨⁣
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#maincharacterenergy #f21xme #streetstyleinspo #allblackeverything #androgynousstyle #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
My three year old took this photo. He has started My three year old took this photo. He has started wanting to take my phone so he can “do a picture” as he calls it and this was from this morning. I messed with the color on it simply because I wanted to, but the framing and the photo is all him. It is so fun to see our kids cultivate talents at things they love. I won’t even lie, it is shocking to see how good his photos have been but at the same time I tell myself that kids are constantly doing pretty cool things, you have have to take the time to really pay attention. ⁣
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So this is a little sign this Monday to really look at your kids and what they love, no matter how young they are. If they love drawing, taking photos, music, whatever it may be; encourage that love and allow them to explore and discover and find what makes them tick. ⁣
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#raisingtoddlers #respectfulparenting #attachmentparenting #gentleparenting #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
While I appreciate people who have perfect feeds a While I appreciate people who have perfect feeds and beautiful aesthetics and a neutral vibe, I have to keep it real; that just isn’t me. And you know what? THAT IS OKAY!⁣
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It’s easy for a lot of people to get caught up in what they see on these apps and think somehow someone else’s vibe is ‘better’ or ‘prettier’ than theirs, but that really isn’t rooted in truth. Nothing is more beautiful than being who you are. You can appreciate what others bring to the table without it being your style or it taking shine off of yours. ⁣
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And for ME? That is fun and kind of trippy edits, colors, interesting graphics, just using this medium as one big art project. Is that for everyone? No way! And that’s super cool with me because I love my vibe and that’s what truly matters. ⁣
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Life is too short to not lean into who you are, especially on social media. ✨⁣
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P.S. This flawless coverall is going to be coming down the pipe soon from @wearewildfang! I’ll let y’all know when it drops and thanks to the Wildfang crew for #gifting it to me, I love it so much. 💜⁣
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#unapologeticallyme #acolorstory #genderneutral #genderneutralclothing #wearewildfang #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
There was no time for cute new photos or a fancy d There was no time for cute new photos or a fancy dinner or flowers or chocolate (neither which I actually like anyway!) but enough about what there isn’t and more on what there is; no matter what, there is companionship, trust, understanding, laugher, and a whole lot of love. That is so valuable and I am so glad that we choose to do life together. ⁣
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This sort of holiday is polarizing with a lot of folks and I get that but I also learned from Sean (because this is legit his fave holiday) that there is nothing wrong with having a day to be especially sweet to the people you love. And that doesn’t have to be a partner; that’s friends, family, and especially yourself. ⁣
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So cheers to love in our lives in whatever form it may come because they are all important and worthy of celebration. ❤️⁣
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#valentinesday #blacklove #blackmarriage #selflove #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
✨ TW: past disordered eating/orthorexia ✨⁣
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Gone are the days that I agonize over every bite of food I put in my mouth. ⁣
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Gone are the days where I count calories and fat grams and think about how much exercise it’s going to take to work off a meal or a snack or a stick of gum or a mint. ⁣
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Gone are the days where I focus so deeply on projecting ‘health’ and believing the lie that being thin is the only way to look healthy. ⁣
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Gone are the days where I put my worth into if I am ‘healthy’ or not because health isn’t an indicator of if I am worthy of being treated like a human being. ⁣
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And though those days have been gone, I am painfully aware of how they could creep up out of no where and take over my brain again. ⁣
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Because those things are an addiction. ⁣
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And I was an addict. ⁣
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I was addicted to the control, addicted to the messages I was taught that fat is bad, addicted to wanting so desperately for someone to notice I was slowly slipping away. ⁣
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And I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life keeping myself in a state of recovery. ⁣
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#eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderwarrior #orthorexiarecovery #justeatthemeal #fatpositive #bodyneutrality #bodyneutral #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
I am a lot happier on this app without the pressur I am a lot happier on this app without the pressure to post. The pressure to have some kind of post every day, to say something witty or profound, to be seen so hopefully I’ll get noticed by brands so I can work even though I have always taken jobs on my own terms. Now I just exist as I want. I haven’t posted on my feed in a week because I simply didn’t have anything to say. I have been so immersed in my death doula training as well, which if you watch my stories or follow me on my page for that (@queencitydeathdoula) you know that it’s changed my life completely and I know for sure I have found my calling. ⁣
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It feels freeing to just be. If I want to post once a week, I will. If I want to post three times a day, I will. My bank account is sure smaller without getting many influencer job offers anymore or actively hustling to get them, but my heart is bigger, growing, glowing, feeling, all the things. And while I’m not going to say that losing income is worth it because my family is the working poor and statements like that frankly are for people with no money issues (which we have) or that I’ll never take another influencer job again, I feel like I’m where I need to be and whatever opportunity is next will happen. ⁣
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#nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
Just a reminder to my Black non-binary, gender non Just a reminder to my Black non-binary, gender non-conforming, and trans folks in particular as well as my Black folks that are a part of the LGBTQ+ community on the whole:
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This #blackhistorymonth don’t forget that you yourself are Black History. ⁣
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And it isn’t about your accomplishments, being part of LLC Twitter (IYKYK), what your degree is or how much money you make, or if you are lauded on the internet. It’s about every day that you make the choice to get out of bed. It’s about every day that you are still here, even when sometimes it’s feels too hard to be. It’s about existing in a world that doesn’t ‘get it’ and is already a hard walk because of the truth of systemic racism, but you live with even further marginalization. It’s about the fact that you are actively choosing day by day, minute by minute, even second by second, to simply exist. And to maybe flourish, maybe thrive, but don’t lose sight that just EXISTING is worthy of praise. ⁣
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I’m proud of you all. ⁣
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And I’m proud of me too. ⁣
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With All My Love,⁣
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Your non-binary queer Mama, L ✨⁣
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#iamblackhistory #blackhistory #bhm #blacklivesmatter #youareblackhistory#blacktranslivesmatter #blackandlgbtq #oneofthem #blackandnonbinary #blackandtrans #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
I said what I said and I mean what I say. ⁣ ⁣ I said what I said and I mean what I say. ⁣
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If there is any place within a movement for symbols of hate or a comparison to the civil rights movement or the Holocaust? It’s racist. It’s anti-semitic. ⁣
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And as you have the ‘freedom’ to make that choice to be a part of something like that? I and others have the ‘freedom’ to say we think it’s trash. ⁣
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I am actually pretty grateful I have seen some people come out in support of all of this because it’s let me know that for me, they are not safe people and not people I need in my life. Keep that honesty coming. I am sure there will be more because things like this empower folks to let their true colors show. ⁣
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Racism and anti-semitism isn’t just an American problem; it’s global.
Folks have this misconception sometimes that margi Folks have this misconception sometimes that marginalized people always want to be ‘understood’, so said marginalized people are supposed to just put up with whatever in the name of being understood. ⁣
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Can I let you in on a secret that pertains to me?⁣
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I don’t give a crap if people understand me. ⁣
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I’m not going to turn myself inside out in the hopes people can understand my life. I am all for people who want to have a respectful discussion with me, but my goal in life isn’t to do a bunch of emotional labor so people that are determined to believe that something is wrong about me can magically somehow ‘get it’. ⁣
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Get it, or don’t. Like me, or don’t. Want to learn, or don’t. That isn’t on me and isn’t my focus. I’m not a textbook or a search engine. I don’t make my life centered around understanding and approval from other people, beloveds. ⁣
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#nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary  #blackandnonbinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
This is me last night as I was about to start my p This is me last night as I was about to start my pre-work for the end of life doula courses that I will be starting the first week of February through @inelda_doulas. This process of starting this journey has been a few years in the making and I am so happy to be starting it with a program that is focused on equity and inclusivity. My greatest dream with this journey is to be able to serve marginalized communities and provide the dying with guidance, love, support, and most of all compassion. ⁣
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I have never felt so called to do something in my life and to be in my 40th year of life, finally walking in my purpose, is beyond any words I have. 💜⁣
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#deathworker #deathdoula #deathmidwife #deathisnottaboo #endoflifedoula #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
Caturday ✨⁣ ⁣ #lazysaturday #catsofinstagram Caturday ✨⁣
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#lazysaturday #catsofinstagram #caturday #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
We got snow again and everyone in the house is asl We got snow again and everyone in the house is asleep but me, so I went outside alone to enjoy the stillness and breathe it in. It was glorious. It was good to have that moment alone, with myself, by myself, with nothing but magic and quiet around me. Pure bliss just exactly when I needed it. ⁣
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And I know the snow and cold isn’t everyone’s scene, and that’s fine of course; but it’s mine and this was a precious moment so please don’t rain (or should I say snow? 😆) on my moment simply because you’d prefer something different. That’s the beauty of life, we can all find magic in different things. ⁣
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#snowstorm #carolinasnow #charlottenc #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
“Some days are good; some days are not so good. “Some days are good; some days are not so good. Some days are really exciting. Some days are just tedious. You just have to get up out of bed.” - André Leon Talley 🖤⁣
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#andreleontalley #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
Here is something to share so y’all can stop man Here is something to share so y’all can stop manipulating quotes from MLK to fit in with your narrative. Read these words and let them sink in, and consider your role in 2022 in being anti-racist. We are looking for accomplices, not allies. ⁣
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Black folks have been weary of the last couple of years. Where ‘BLM’ was considered a trend and then was cast aside when it felt too uncomfortable and hard to keep the work up.⁣
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Take this day to actually dig deep and choose if you are just going to share tired whitewashed quotes, or are you actually going to do the work. And then DO THE WORK. Don’t tell us about what your plan is, don’t expect cookies and high fives. ⁣
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Just. Do. The. Work. ⁣
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Let that speak for you. ⁣
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#mlkday #mlkquote #blacklivesmatter #stopkillingus #antiracist #accomplice #nonbinary #nonbinarymama #beyondthebinary #nonbinaryblogger #nonbinarymotherhood #spreadblackjoy #blackenbymagic #blackmamas #bohomama #mamalife #witchymama #mamaofthree #motherhoodthroughig #motherhoodunfiltered #documentingmotherhood #momentsinmotherhood  #thisismotherhood #charlottebloggers #mamablogger #holdontohope #mamaincolour
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